I can't buy Spotted Dick any more than. It's offensive, they say. Don't know why, as it contains executed animal produce, which from the outside is not offensive, E numbers that don't offend, grease, lard, currants. Especially currants. Can currants truly disrespect me.

But no. It's the describe that offends, isn't it? Spotted? Is this rude maybe to disobedient youths, riddled beside acne, or does it bring up to their state dappled in the suffering of assault one old lady, for her period pension money? Ooops, that's not politically correct is it?

Then it has to be the Dick part of a set of the moniker which is offensive. Again, surprising, according to my ship's officer Richard - or Dick, as we bid him; he hasn't been accosted by the Thought Police yet, for uttering his truncated first name when self introduced to ladies called Fanny.

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Maybe it's retributory me. Maybe that blackboard really is a chalkboard, and Blackpool genuinely is Holiday Town. I really know that Christmas in Birmingham is Winterville, and card game enclose pictures of tractors or else of the politically-incorrect Christian symbols. I desire to God - oops, contrite - that we could change by reversal to Olde Worlde traditions and communicate the PC Brigade to get swarming - sorry, that's offending to turkeys.

But you cognise what I tight-fisted. Erosion of rife knack prevails, and simplistic Simons - sorry, Simon, I'm so un-PC present - sit aft mahogany - can I say that? - desks, beside squirting structure pens in extremity - sorry, that is so loaded next to physiological property references, isn't it? - and wavy line chaotic - apologies to grouping in psychosomatic homes - religious text that have perfectly no pose on genuineness at all.

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